I had Keith send me the family pictures of us growing up and I spent a lot of time looking at them and I came to the conclusion, (my personal opinion), that Kathryn might not have been as unhappy with us growing up as we thought, maybe she just felt lost in a large family of mostly girls and looked outside the home for validation of her worth. She always did her best and praise was something none of us received. Think about it, her whole life she never let anyone do anything for her, she had to be the giver never the taker. I told her once when she was refusing my help that it is as important to learn how to receive as it is to give because in refusing to receive help you are denying others the blessings they deserve or want and by always giving to others because it makes you feel good you could actually become an act of selfishness. Well we all know she was a bit stubborn and I still didn't get to help. As I think back even when we sisters got together she sometimes got very frustrated saying I want a chance to talk, no one listens to me. She actually should be congratulated on her ability to see she needed more and satisfied those needs instead of becoming bitter and resentful against her own family and we know she didn't do that because again she later altered the course of her own family. I show the picture of us at the casket because it shows that now it is too late to talk to her and give her the chance to say what was really in her heart. Let us, the remaining siblings say what is in our hearts to each other, share the love openly we feel or each other. We were never an, I Love You, at the end of a phone conversation or when we parted, type of family. It has carried over to my children as well, I don't say I love you to my own children like I should, or let them know how proud I am of them. I hope Kathryn knew I loved her, I can't say for sure that she did, I didn't say it, we did finally start to hug more, for many years we didn't even do that. You know she didn't tell her children she was unhappy as a child, they asked us for incite of her childhood and we said it, I am sad I can't ask her, did anyone ever ask her? I would really like to know if that was a false assumption on our part. Lets the rest of us make sure our story is told correctly. I want it said how much I love and appreciate all that my family has done for me. I would never have been able to reach the age I am with any degree of sanity (and that is debatable) if it wasn't for the part each of you have played in my life. You are the best. I am so happy I was born a Pearson. I do love you. (all of you)
I loved seeing the photo of all of you from the funeral. Is someone going to post more online somewhere so those of us who weren't there can share in the memories?
ReplyDeleteDan was surprised once when I told him that my dad and I always ended our phone conversations with an "I love you." I'm glad we did. We do need to make our feelings known and show affection freely.
I'm confident Kathryn knew you loved her. But it does seem odd to wonder if we ever express that to our sisters and family. I will do a better job. Thanks for the reminder.
I'm so happy I was born a Pearson, too. Our extended family played such a vital role in my growing up year. My parents really never had that many friends outside of the family. Our social circle was made up of cousins and aunts/uncles. I loved that. It was a happy childhood.
I want to
Aunt Carma, this is one of the most precious things I've ever read. thank you for sharing it. It really gives me insight into my own mother and upbringing, even though you're writing mostly about Kathryn. Thank you so much.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE YOU!!!
I thought through the funeral that it was unfair to say that Kathryn (or any Pearson) didn't express love very well. The dynamics of any immediate family are powerful and personal, but as a member of Kathryn's extended family, I always felt loved, loved, loved. Kathryn cooked for and cared for and watched out for me in a way that made me know I was loved.
ReplyDeleteAnd, as always, Carma, your insights and observations are both astute and generous. How thankful I am for you.
This post really touched me, Aunt Carma. Like Camille, I feel like it gives me insights into my mom's life--one I don't have a lot of details about. I can't wait to read all that you have to say!
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